hi mama

Today is Mother's Day and stuff like that always puts me in an awkward place.  I love Robin (my adoptive mother) a lot and I appreciate everything she does for me.  Yet, I still feel guilty because I don't want her to ever take the place of my birth mother (Margaret) in my heart.  I know there's enough room for both - but on days like this - things can get fuzzy.
I thought 4th term would alleviate so much stress but all this make-up work, and work in general, might just kill me.  I'm considering just saying: F it, I'm young - but I'm not sure if my transcript would appreciate it.

HOW MANY MORE DAYS UNTIL SUMMER?

bare thread

I am nothing but undone strings, tied together in a hasty jumble - to attempt to look like a spool of thread.

Today I came back from Nationals.  I didn't do as well as last year, although I was a finalist.  It's upsetting though and I had felt like someone was twisting a knife in my stomach every time I saw someone place in his or her category.  I don't even remember watching my category, I would rather not.

I am not a bookworm, I am not extraordinarily talented in musical ventures, Chemistry was a bust.  I thought business was my thing, my niche.  Now I don't really know what to think anymore.  I was still top 20, that was something.  I don't want to be top 20, I want to be on top.  I guess we all have to face our own human qualities.

It just hurts so badly because I risked a lot to be able to go to this.  Was it all worth it?

I started writing again.  I think it's more because I had to - I had signed up for an AF Creative Writing class to have an easier second semester.  It has been interesting though, writing again.  I'm returning to FictionPress as well.  I'm not quite sure what I want to be yet.
Everything's official, official.  Johnson Hall, 10th floor with Binta.  International Business major.  Orientation July 10-12.  It's unreal, but I couldn't be happier about all these changes.  Change is incredible, painful but truly, truly incredible.

updates, updates, updates.

Oh, God.  It's been a while.  I guess I really have been busy - or really lazy.
It's the last term of my high school career and I couldn't be more than ready to leave, or escape really.  I chose Temple University as my home for the next four years.  It really came down to Northeastern and Temple.  To be honest, I'd been stressing about it for days and Azim had started lecturing me about it in his patronizing way so I just sucked it up and sort-of picked Temple on a whim.  Not that great of a college admissions story, right?  But, I guess if I did pick Temple on a "whim" that means that I really did want to go to Temple and was just too nervous to say it.  Overall I'm pretty happy with my decision; everything seems to be working out perfectly, Binta is still my roommate, and everyone seems pretty chill.  Sometimes I have that flicker of doubt though when I get a letter in the mail from Northeastern or I see someone with a Northeastern hoodie on.  On the Temple Facebook page, there were kids who had chosen Temple over Northeastern and even NYU.  I think that made me feel a little bit more reassured that I wasn't a complete idiot for my decision.  I really can't wait though - Philadelphia already seems more like home.  It's really nice that Auntie Maria will be nearby in case I get the bubonic plague or something.  I've always looked up to her since I was little and it might be nice to be around that kind of free energy for a little bit.  Maybe it'll help me be a little bit more free, a little less defensive, and a LOT more open.
The thing is though - I'm still here for a little bit.  I've learned a lot about a lot of people who I spend nearly every day in school with and these details are more and more disappointing.  People are fake, conniving, and selfish, but I guess those are human tendencies.  I'm proud of myself for not caring as much and not letting it get to me as much.  I'm not going to see 99% of these people anyway so I just want to leave on good terms; let them work out their own issues.

I really just hope I don't go off on someone while I'm here.
Until I leave I'm just going to keep my head low and keep making money.

#LosingMyBalance

I'm currently listening to that Unthinkable Remix with Drake and contemplating my life situation.  I'm too down with all the good things that are going on in my life.  It's not that I don't appreciate options; I'm just too afraid of choosing the wrong one.  Lately, this fear has been more connected to college admissions more than anything - but I think I'll be fine.  And with all these college admissions decisions, I have felt more and more disconnected from the people in my life now.  Sure, they're going to be temporary but I sure wish we could get along while we're coexisting.  I don't understand why people make such a fuss over trivial things when there's so much more to worry about - ha.
Prospects of college are daunting but always inspiring.  Temple Experience Day was great and I really almost started tearing up while I was there.  Shit, sad movies don't make me cry but Accepted Students' Day did?  I think it's more the excitement of being on the cusp of everything I've been waiting for - for so long.  That's why I don't want to mess it up!
On the plus side, I got an 27" iMac.  Once you go Mac, you never go back.
Third term is closing this Friday and then it's truly the homestretch.. Damn.  I guess I'll just listen to some J. Cole for now and try to breathe easy.

"Losing My Balance" - J. Cole

I was weightlisted at Fordham and denied from NYU.

It makes me really wish I had done this college admissions process more efficiently.

Now I'm going to most likely choose between Temple and Northeastern.

Gah.

I feel like everything is falling apart and I can't do anything to fix it.

Which one should I choose?

... I mean it's only my life.

a good week just got better!

Ah!  So, where do I begin??  Beginning of this week, I pulled in another first at DECA States'!  That was exciting, too bad not everyone was there for the finals awards show... *cough* *cough*.
Then, Tuesday - HARLEM WIZARDS! (Ahhhh!)  That was so much fun and too see an event I orchestrated working so well was undescribable.  TJ "Tomahawk" was pretty helpful in all of that.. BX whaddup?!  Granted, I didn't get to sleep until like... forever - but it was worth it!  Too bad I'm starting to slip in school, I'll just need to suck it up and crank it out.
Something happened, that I've been waiting to happen forever. I'm still smiling...
And, finallyyyyy, MTV called!  That was too cool.  I'm still at a loss for words
I really wish I had more energy to write.  What's the whole point of chronicling a year if I'm too tired to rightfully write a day?! 
Oh.  Got into Emerson & Northeastern.  Ayoo Boston!

It's already nearly halfway through March.  Damn!  I guess I need to start doing my make-up work for this term.  ...Senioritis has become a serious problem.  It just worsened with the removal of four impacted wisdom teeth.  Although, my cousin is getting her tonsils removed soon so I'm not in the position to complain.
DECA States is this week and I'm too nervous.  Harlem Wizards is next week and I'm rightfully nervous, a lot of potential.  Let's see what happens.
Got a Bob Marley sticker for my car.
Jah Rastafari!

He likes to say how I barely look black.

It's the stuff people say when they think you're not paying attention that's important.



a good day

But life is foul

and you don't get a free throw.

And so my next move

is gon' have to be my best move.

Literally, it's Cole World all day.  J. Cole comes high(ly) recommended.  Ahh, so nice to see a rapper with a... brain!

And on that note, today was such a good day.  Have you ever just spent hours just talking to someone?  No objectives, no hidden intentions - just good conversation.  Wow, that feels nice.  Then again, I was a bit distracted by the lips.. But what can ya do?!

I think this vacation hasn't been what I wanted (except for today), but what I needed.  I slept a lot, thought a lot, and talked to people about things I've been needing to discuss.  And yes, in a way, the Wiz Khalifa concert was also necessary.  It taught me to just start saying how I feel and not feeling bad about it.

Actually, I think I needed today too.  I have to start being mature and not making things bigger than they are.  That also means facing your fears or your qualms against yourself.  I did that today, finally talking to someone who has had me tongue-tied for three years.  Turns out we have a lot in common, and it's nice to be able to talk to someone intelligent.  I think intelligence is pretty sexy.  So because of that, I'm still smiling since like eleven AM.  I think it's funny how certain people just have that effect on you.  And you can't do nothing about, well, except sit back and enjoy it.  I intend to continue that, because I kind of like where this is going.  No, that's a lie.  I really like where this is going.

Wisdom teeth removal tomorrow.  I'm excited to get rid of this annoying pressure in my jaw and replace it with Vicodin and Percocet.  Laugh now, fly later!

(Wiz Khalifa Concert, Palladium [Worcester], February 20, 2011)



vacation's all i ever wanted

That's a lie.  I want a lot things, vacation just happens to be at the top of my list right now.
Today I had such a great day with some amazing people in my life.  First, Azim showed me how to change a tire and then helped me purchase some Hollister clothes!!!  I am so thankful for him in my life, he truly gives me hope that not everyone is a jerk.
Then, I drove around with Nighty and G applying to jobs.  It felt so great to hang out with them again, and I honestly felt more comfortable than with anyone else!  Besides the fact, my hair was a mess, no make-up, and smelly hoodie because they came a little earlier than expected... ahem!  But I didn't really need to apply for a job since I already swung the Hollister position, starting to wonder why, but I just want to make sure I have a back-up.  In case, I need one!  To be honest, I'm iffy on the Hollister thing but I think this is a time to test myself.  Not everyone is a potential enemy, so I need to start being more friendly and open.  "Hey, what's up?!"
Of course, Robin starts harping on the idea of me needing clothes for work.  Mind you, she's probably just made cause I found another venue to acquire them since she insists on only giving me fifty dollars for the month.  Then she starts questioning the Hollister job.  Like, why must you be so negative?!  I'm getting a job so I don't have to go through begging to you for a dollar.  Sometimes I wonder why she insists on starting fights and then tries to act so sweet to me five minutes later.  She loves to just push my buttons, but I ain't havin' that!
Off to babysit soon.  Thank goodness.  I don't want to be around such negative craziness, maybe it's genetic? ... Smh.

make a brother ask:

Do you pride yourself?

Your make-up like a mask...

Tryna hide yourself.

- J. Cole

I would love to scream as loud as I can.   ... Just so I know I still have a voice, cause lately I can't tell.

Annoyed.

I am sick of this bull.

I wish people would do what they say,

say what they think,

and think before they act.

But that's just me being wishful

because people are stupid.

a pensive moment: family, race, and identity

   I miss that day.  It started out pretty crappy when Azim had said something bitter to me on his way out, but it still ended up being a good day.  It's all because of Polly.  She made my sixteenth birthday something less-than-terrible with her laughter, her support, and her knack for catching when I burp on camera.  In fact, we had even made a homemade birthday cake for me with pink frosting.  That was my "sweet sixteen".
  Since then Azim and I have started talking again but there's these moments where it's like everything snaps back to "The Cold War" we had for eight or nine months.  The moment I show some disagreement with his thoughts or opinions, he get this hostile tone in his voice.  It reminds me just how different we really think about everything.  It makes me wonder what's going to happen when I go to school.  Cause once I'm out of the house, I don't have to pretend to agree with everything anymore.  I'll have much more freedom to have my own voice.
   On Sunday, he was mentioning how his black friend's son was at Howard now and loving it, after growing up in Holden.  He was going on about how great it was for him to be at a school like that after growing up in a town like this.  I was irked though, because Azim had dissuaded me from applying to Howard, even though I was genuinely interested in possibly attending.  I said how I didn't blame him, and how I would love to be in a situation like that.  He adopted this patronizing tone saying, "Oh no, believe me you wouldn't."  Then when I asked why, he continued to say at a school - like Howard - I wouldn't be considered unique... And I wouldn't like that.  I'd be just another black student.
   Now there are so many things wrong with that.  I'd love to not be the ambassador of culture, thought, and behavior for an entire racial group of people!  (In fact, I said that to him!)  I'd love to be in a situation where my race wasn't such a substantial part of my identity but more just another facet to who I am as a person.  If Azim doesn't know that, doesn't understand why I'd love to be in a diverse university... Then he just doesn't know me.
   He then tried to say he knew what it was like to be the minority, being Indian in Africa.  That really pissed me off though.  Trying to equate who I am with his life is complete bull.  I am a minority in my own family, I don't have a similar face in my own family.  How is that similar to being raised in a very strong family-based community with your jamatkhana of Indian Ismailis that you see everyday.  When I see him talk to his friends from Africa, only one of them is black - and he's African and Indian, with Indian friends.  If he honestly thinks that's anything like my childhood, he seriously knows nothing about my life or what I want for myself in the future.  I don't want to be unique because of my race, I want to be unique for me.  If Azim thinks that the color of my skin is what defines my "unique" quality, it shows how little he truly thinks of me.
   ... But this isn't the first time his disagreeable view on Africans - and blacks in general - has bubbled to the surface.  Even Robin had made a quip about no African men are 'prizes' in terms of finding a man for a husband.  This kind of silent prejudice is what sickens me the most, because they're all on their high horses about being for freedom, social justice, and equality - ignoring their own underlying issues with race.  And their daughter being black serves as more validation for the "fair" mentalities they think they have.
   I love my adoptive parents but sometimes I wonder what they would think of me if they just met me as a person and knew all my opinions and actions.  Not as their daughter, but as an individual and an equal person.  Or would they even fairly look at that?  Would the color of my skin get in the way?  - Especially with Azim.
   I need my own space to form my own ideas and become my own person, like I was on my sixteenth birthday.

Pay me in gold.

often imitated, never duplicated.

In the midst of my scholarship search, I found this paid media internship for minorities in the summer.  It's like my dream situation: summer in the cities, real work experience in the industry, money.  This is a freakin' dream.  Now I just have to apply... The PDF download wasn't working on my desktop so I had to download the un-savable PDF onto my netbook and then transfer that onto a flash drive to then fill out and print out from my desktop.  Shoot, if I get in, I don't care what I have to do to get this freaking application worked out.
So, the more I think about it, the happier I'd be at Temple.  Here's why:
1. In Philadelphia, so I do have a family connection without being hovered upon.
2.  Temple is a fun school.
3.  Temple has a great communications program.
4.  Philadelphia is a great place to network for my field.
5.  It's far enough away from home, but not too far.
6.  Concert tours always stop at Philly.
7.  Even if they don't, it's an hour (by train) to New York City.
8.  Temple basketball season... WORD?!


Yeah, I'm pretty satisfied.


Tonight is going to be an early night, got two hours of sleep last night.  -________-

Yeezy taught me!

Snow days never produce anything productive. Today seemed to be a little different though. Today I had an interview for a school that is nearly impossible to get into, especially for business. I think if I don't say which school, it won't be half as embarrassing when they reject me. I enjoyed my interview though. For an hour and seven minutes, I got a sliver of that life and I didn't mind it.
I think I might get into NYU, probably Northeastern, already got into Temple. That's not bad either. I'm quite content with my possible next four years. To be honest, I'm really friggen excited.
Nicki Minaj's new video just premiered on television. To be honest, I was just waiting for Drake's part. (If that wasn't obvious!) ... Cause in this moment I just feel so alive.


I think I'm going to try to make this blog a chronicle of 2011.  It should be a good year, leaving the nest and finally going off to college.  I want college life to feel like Skins meets Kanye West's Runaway meets Ducksauce's "Barbara Streizand."  Yeah... That'd be kind of dope, wouldn't it?
I'll go pour myself a cold glass of Sunny D now.

countdown to euphoria.

We’ve been in this time warp for the past couple of months, stuck on a treadmill of anxiety, disgust, and impatience.  Now that said treadmill has disappeared, can we go back to being normal?  Sipping on a highball last night, it came to me: we’re going to better be better than normal.  We’ll be bloody extraordinary.  Or maybe that was just the Seagram talking.  (Canada’s finest!)
And speaking of Canada’s finest, I’m thinking of my lovely Ugandan cousin in Toronto while listening to the best Jewish Canadian child-actor of a rapper ever… and my future hubby.  I'm starting to gain momentum with this whole desire fulfillment thing, it's all in due time.  Life is startin’ to look real good again.
How many more days until uni?