bare thread

I am nothing but undone strings, tied together in a hasty jumble - to attempt to look like a spool of thread.

Today I came back from Nationals.  I didn't do as well as last year, although I was a finalist.  It's upsetting though and I had felt like someone was twisting a knife in my stomach every time I saw someone place in his or her category.  I don't even remember watching my category, I would rather not.

I am not a bookworm, I am not extraordinarily talented in musical ventures, Chemistry was a bust.  I thought business was my thing, my niche.  Now I don't really know what to think anymore.  I was still top 20, that was something.  I don't want to be top 20, I want to be on top.  I guess we all have to face our own human qualities.

It just hurts so badly because I risked a lot to be able to go to this.  Was it all worth it?