He likes to say how I barely look black.

It's the stuff people say when they think you're not paying attention that's important.



a good day

But life is foul

and you don't get a free throw.

And so my next move

is gon' have to be my best move.

Literally, it's Cole World all day.  J. Cole comes high(ly) recommended.  Ahh, so nice to see a rapper with a... brain!

And on that note, today was such a good day.  Have you ever just spent hours just talking to someone?  No objectives, no hidden intentions - just good conversation.  Wow, that feels nice.  Then again, I was a bit distracted by the lips.. But what can ya do?!

I think this vacation hasn't been what I wanted (except for today), but what I needed.  I slept a lot, thought a lot, and talked to people about things I've been needing to discuss.  And yes, in a way, the Wiz Khalifa concert was also necessary.  It taught me to just start saying how I feel and not feeling bad about it.

Actually, I think I needed today too.  I have to start being mature and not making things bigger than they are.  That also means facing your fears or your qualms against yourself.  I did that today, finally talking to someone who has had me tongue-tied for three years.  Turns out we have a lot in common, and it's nice to be able to talk to someone intelligent.  I think intelligence is pretty sexy.  So because of that, I'm still smiling since like eleven AM.  I think it's funny how certain people just have that effect on you.  And you can't do nothing about, well, except sit back and enjoy it.  I intend to continue that, because I kind of like where this is going.  No, that's a lie.  I really like where this is going.

Wisdom teeth removal tomorrow.  I'm excited to get rid of this annoying pressure in my jaw and replace it with Vicodin and Percocet.  Laugh now, fly later!

(Wiz Khalifa Concert, Palladium [Worcester], February 20, 2011)



vacation's all i ever wanted

That's a lie.  I want a lot things, vacation just happens to be at the top of my list right now.
Today I had such a great day with some amazing people in my life.  First, Azim showed me how to change a tire and then helped me purchase some Hollister clothes!!!  I am so thankful for him in my life, he truly gives me hope that not everyone is a jerk.
Then, I drove around with Nighty and G applying to jobs.  It felt so great to hang out with them again, and I honestly felt more comfortable than with anyone else!  Besides the fact, my hair was a mess, no make-up, and smelly hoodie because they came a little earlier than expected... ahem!  But I didn't really need to apply for a job since I already swung the Hollister position, starting to wonder why, but I just want to make sure I have a back-up.  In case, I need one!  To be honest, I'm iffy on the Hollister thing but I think this is a time to test myself.  Not everyone is a potential enemy, so I need to start being more friendly and open.  "Hey, what's up?!"
Of course, Robin starts harping on the idea of me needing clothes for work.  Mind you, she's probably just made cause I found another venue to acquire them since she insists on only giving me fifty dollars for the month.  Then she starts questioning the Hollister job.  Like, why must you be so negative?!  I'm getting a job so I don't have to go through begging to you for a dollar.  Sometimes I wonder why she insists on starting fights and then tries to act so sweet to me five minutes later.  She loves to just push my buttons, but I ain't havin' that!
Off to babysit soon.  Thank goodness.  I don't want to be around such negative craziness, maybe it's genetic? ... Smh.

make a brother ask:

Do you pride yourself?

Your make-up like a mask...

Tryna hide yourself.

- J. Cole

I would love to scream as loud as I can.   ... Just so I know I still have a voice, cause lately I can't tell.

Annoyed.

I am sick of this bull.

I wish people would do what they say,

say what they think,

and think before they act.

But that's just me being wishful

because people are stupid.

a pensive moment: family, race, and identity

   I miss that day.  It started out pretty crappy when Azim had said something bitter to me on his way out, but it still ended up being a good day.  It's all because of Polly.  She made my sixteenth birthday something less-than-terrible with her laughter, her support, and her knack for catching when I burp on camera.  In fact, we had even made a homemade birthday cake for me with pink frosting.  That was my "sweet sixteen".
  Since then Azim and I have started talking again but there's these moments where it's like everything snaps back to "The Cold War" we had for eight or nine months.  The moment I show some disagreement with his thoughts or opinions, he get this hostile tone in his voice.  It reminds me just how different we really think about everything.  It makes me wonder what's going to happen when I go to school.  Cause once I'm out of the house, I don't have to pretend to agree with everything anymore.  I'll have much more freedom to have my own voice.
   On Sunday, he was mentioning how his black friend's son was at Howard now and loving it, after growing up in Holden.  He was going on about how great it was for him to be at a school like that after growing up in a town like this.  I was irked though, because Azim had dissuaded me from applying to Howard, even though I was genuinely interested in possibly attending.  I said how I didn't blame him, and how I would love to be in a situation like that.  He adopted this patronizing tone saying, "Oh no, believe me you wouldn't."  Then when I asked why, he continued to say at a school - like Howard - I wouldn't be considered unique... And I wouldn't like that.  I'd be just another black student.
   Now there are so many things wrong with that.  I'd love to not be the ambassador of culture, thought, and behavior for an entire racial group of people!  (In fact, I said that to him!)  I'd love to be in a situation where my race wasn't such a substantial part of my identity but more just another facet to who I am as a person.  If Azim doesn't know that, doesn't understand why I'd love to be in a diverse university... Then he just doesn't know me.
   He then tried to say he knew what it was like to be the minority, being Indian in Africa.  That really pissed me off though.  Trying to equate who I am with his life is complete bull.  I am a minority in my own family, I don't have a similar face in my own family.  How is that similar to being raised in a very strong family-based community with your jamatkhana of Indian Ismailis that you see everyday.  When I see him talk to his friends from Africa, only one of them is black - and he's African and Indian, with Indian friends.  If he honestly thinks that's anything like my childhood, he seriously knows nothing about my life or what I want for myself in the future.  I don't want to be unique because of my race, I want to be unique for me.  If Azim thinks that the color of my skin is what defines my "unique" quality, it shows how little he truly thinks of me.
   ... But this isn't the first time his disagreeable view on Africans - and blacks in general - has bubbled to the surface.  Even Robin had made a quip about no African men are 'prizes' in terms of finding a man for a husband.  This kind of silent prejudice is what sickens me the most, because they're all on their high horses about being for freedom, social justice, and equality - ignoring their own underlying issues with race.  And their daughter being black serves as more validation for the "fair" mentalities they think they have.
   I love my adoptive parents but sometimes I wonder what they would think of me if they just met me as a person and knew all my opinions and actions.  Not as their daughter, but as an individual and an equal person.  Or would they even fairly look at that?  Would the color of my skin get in the way?  - Especially with Azim.
   I need my own space to form my own ideas and become my own person, like I was on my sixteenth birthday.