hi mama

Today is Mother's Day and stuff like that always puts me in an awkward place.  I love Robin (my adoptive mother) a lot and I appreciate everything she does for me.  Yet, I still feel guilty because I don't want her to ever take the place of my birth mother (Margaret) in my heart.  I know there's enough room for both - but on days like this - things can get fuzzy.
I thought 4th term would alleviate so much stress but all this make-up work, and work in general, might just kill me.  I'm considering just saying: F it, I'm young - but I'm not sure if my transcript would appreciate it.

HOW MANY MORE DAYS UNTIL SUMMER?

bare thread

I am nothing but undone strings, tied together in a hasty jumble - to attempt to look like a spool of thread.

Today I came back from Nationals.  I didn't do as well as last year, although I was a finalist.  It's upsetting though and I had felt like someone was twisting a knife in my stomach every time I saw someone place in his or her category.  I don't even remember watching my category, I would rather not.

I am not a bookworm, I am not extraordinarily talented in musical ventures, Chemistry was a bust.  I thought business was my thing, my niche.  Now I don't really know what to think anymore.  I was still top 20, that was something.  I don't want to be top 20, I want to be on top.  I guess we all have to face our own human qualities.

It just hurts so badly because I risked a lot to be able to go to this.  Was it all worth it?

I started writing again.  I think it's more because I had to - I had signed up for an AF Creative Writing class to have an easier second semester.  It has been interesting though, writing again.  I'm returning to FictionPress as well.  I'm not quite sure what I want to be yet.
Everything's official, official.  Johnson Hall, 10th floor with Binta.  International Business major.  Orientation July 10-12.  It's unreal, but I couldn't be happier about all these changes.  Change is incredible, painful but truly, truly incredible.

updates, updates, updates.

Oh, God.  It's been a while.  I guess I really have been busy - or really lazy.
It's the last term of my high school career and I couldn't be more than ready to leave, or escape really.  I chose Temple University as my home for the next four years.  It really came down to Northeastern and Temple.  To be honest, I'd been stressing about it for days and Azim had started lecturing me about it in his patronizing way so I just sucked it up and sort-of picked Temple on a whim.  Not that great of a college admissions story, right?  But, I guess if I did pick Temple on a "whim" that means that I really did want to go to Temple and was just too nervous to say it.  Overall I'm pretty happy with my decision; everything seems to be working out perfectly, Binta is still my roommate, and everyone seems pretty chill.  Sometimes I have that flicker of doubt though when I get a letter in the mail from Northeastern or I see someone with a Northeastern hoodie on.  On the Temple Facebook page, there were kids who had chosen Temple over Northeastern and even NYU.  I think that made me feel a little bit more reassured that I wasn't a complete idiot for my decision.  I really can't wait though - Philadelphia already seems more like home.  It's really nice that Auntie Maria will be nearby in case I get the bubonic plague or something.  I've always looked up to her since I was little and it might be nice to be around that kind of free energy for a little bit.  Maybe it'll help me be a little bit more free, a little less defensive, and a LOT more open.
The thing is though - I'm still here for a little bit.  I've learned a lot about a lot of people who I spend nearly every day in school with and these details are more and more disappointing.  People are fake, conniving, and selfish, but I guess those are human tendencies.  I'm proud of myself for not caring as much and not letting it get to me as much.  I'm not going to see 99% of these people anyway so I just want to leave on good terms; let them work out their own issues.

I really just hope I don't go off on someone while I'm here.
Until I leave I'm just going to keep my head low and keep making money.

#LosingMyBalance

I'm currently listening to that Unthinkable Remix with Drake and contemplating my life situation.  I'm too down with all the good things that are going on in my life.  It's not that I don't appreciate options; I'm just too afraid of choosing the wrong one.  Lately, this fear has been more connected to college admissions more than anything - but I think I'll be fine.  And with all these college admissions decisions, I have felt more and more disconnected from the people in my life now.  Sure, they're going to be temporary but I sure wish we could get along while we're coexisting.  I don't understand why people make such a fuss over trivial things when there's so much more to worry about - ha.
Prospects of college are daunting but always inspiring.  Temple Experience Day was great and I really almost started tearing up while I was there.  Shit, sad movies don't make me cry but Accepted Students' Day did?  I think it's more the excitement of being on the cusp of everything I've been waiting for - for so long.  That's why I don't want to mess it up!
On the plus side, I got an 27" iMac.  Once you go Mac, you never go back.
Third term is closing this Friday and then it's truly the homestretch.. Damn.  I guess I'll just listen to some J. Cole for now and try to breathe easy.

"Losing My Balance" - J. Cole

I was weightlisted at Fordham and denied from NYU.

It makes me really wish I had done this college admissions process more efficiently.

Now I'm going to most likely choose between Temple and Northeastern.

Gah.

I feel like everything is falling apart and I can't do anything to fix it.

Which one should I choose?

... I mean it's only my life.

a good week just got better!

Ah!  So, where do I begin??  Beginning of this week, I pulled in another first at DECA States'!  That was exciting, too bad not everyone was there for the finals awards show... *cough* *cough*.
Then, Tuesday - HARLEM WIZARDS! (Ahhhh!)  That was so much fun and too see an event I orchestrated working so well was undescribable.  TJ "Tomahawk" was pretty helpful in all of that.. BX whaddup?!  Granted, I didn't get to sleep until like... forever - but it was worth it!  Too bad I'm starting to slip in school, I'll just need to suck it up and crank it out.
Something happened, that I've been waiting to happen forever. I'm still smiling...
And, finallyyyyy, MTV called!  That was too cool.  I'm still at a loss for words
I really wish I had more energy to write.  What's the whole point of chronicling a year if I'm too tired to rightfully write a day?! 
Oh.  Got into Emerson & Northeastern.  Ayoo Boston!